How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
and you fell through a lawn chair
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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