i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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