I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
BRING THE BAGELS
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
