A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
