I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
