Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We're too hungover to prance.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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