I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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