in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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