we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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