man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
