3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
