his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
These tits shall not be calmed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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