Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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