Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
