hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
