I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
