My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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