She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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