is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
