I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
