i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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