I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
