You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
