peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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