first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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