he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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