He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Drake has all the answers
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
