How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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