Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
