2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
