I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
