For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
