My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
