He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
