I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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