im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You don't make any sense
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