apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
