I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Operation Purity has been aborted
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
