that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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