Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
