awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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