I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
