hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
