Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
