I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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