I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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