Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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