How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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