Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
