I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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