Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
